A Time Travel Clyde Mini-Epic!
THE IDIOCY AND THE ODDITY
(with apologies to Homer, the ancient Greek Gods and Heroes,
and lovers of great literature everywhere!)
--Part II --
The ODDITY: An Epic Adventure!
THE RETURN FROM TOY
After Clydesseus and his loyal all-MIDI band (called "The Meowing Kitties") had loaded the "Big Royal Fridge" (as featured in the last chapter) onto Roe Boat, and Clydesseus had demonstrated his complete impertinence to Poseidon (as also featured in the last chapter), they prepared to depart and set off for Hissica, little suspecting that the great Sea God would want revenge.
Yet the sea was calm as calm could be and a gentle sea breeze billowed the mighty Hissican sail, emblazoned with the Hissican National Emblem, which was also the design for the coin of that realm.
The Hissican National Emblem
with the motto:
'Icthiata Gurgulatum En Hissica'
'The fish are gurgling in Hissica'
These coins were often called: "Ickeys", and were the only item of exchange in Hissica. So everything always cost in units, instead of the fractional units we use today. For example, where we would pay $1.49 for a loaf of bread, in Hissica, one would pay 2 Ickeys or 3 Ickeys. It was a much simpler monetary system, which Clydesseus could easily keep track of. Which has nothing to do with the story, so we should continue.
On shore, the Creeps admired the magnificent sight of this great ship because the sail reminded them of money, which they really liked a lot, the more the better. Then they noticed that it was swaying pretty badly.
Poseidon too, in spite of himself, admired the scene, but with much amusement.
You see, the Big Royal Fridge was really big, much too big for the boat to handle, and it shifted the center of gravity so high that Roe Boat's keel was rendered very inefficient. (The keel is what keeps a sailboat from falling over, unless, of course, you have a Big Royal Fridge on deck. That changes things dramatically, the laws of physics being what they are.)
So, Roe Boat did not gracefully sail into the sunset, but swung and swayed, rocking to and fro, making the kitties all very seasick, in spite of a perfectly calm sea.
Poseidon looked on the scene and considered raising his great hand to send them a huge wave, but then changed his mind.
"They're making my revenge too easy!" he muttered to himself. "I'll wait for a better opportunity to torment them." and slid beneath the waves, chuckling.
As the boat swayed and swooned along the water, a group of dolphins swam near, amused by the sight of the staggering ship. They squeaked and whistled to the kitties to get their attention. Actually, they didn't have to do that, because the kitties were leaning over the side of the ship and could already see them.
Clydesseus himself was too proud to give in to motion sickness, so he sat boldly at the rudder, steering as confidently as he could. The look on his face betrayed his concern though. Every shift of the wind rolled the ship precariously, and it was all Clydesseus could do to compensate.
None of the seasick kitties could help or even respond to the dolphins because they were so ill. But, eventually, the whistling got Clydesseus' attention and he looked over the side as a large dolphin rode high on its tail so it could see into the ship. It was a very intelligent dolphin (as dolphins are reported to be), so it could talk!
It is well known that dolphins will swim next to a sailing ship, and many a sailor may have often wondered why they do this. Well, the real reason is that, being so intelligent, they are as curious as cats and want to know what is on board the ships they accompany. This dolphin was no exception, except, it had the intelligence to ask.
"What you got there?" It squeaked in a language that Clydesseus could easily understand.
"Huh? Where?" Responded Clydesseus.
"There, up on deck. What's that big white thing?" The dolphin elaborated, pointing with a flipper.
"Huh?, Oh! That's a fridge!" Clydesseus explained.
"What's it do?" asked the dolphin.
Clydesseus spent the next hour describing the complete mechanical and electrical system of a modern refrigerator. He was a very learned cat, after all, and he liked to show off.
"Oh." Replied the dolphin when Clydesseus was finished. "I didn't mean that. But, it was interesting. I think I meant to ask, why is it on board?"
Again, Clydesseus went into a long and elaborate explanation, which recounted all of his adventures to date (something you can do too, by reading the earlier chapters of this epic, if you want).
"Oh." Replied the dolphin. "I didn't mean that either. I meant... I meant, umm, why would anyone put such a big thing on such a little boat?"
"I thought I explained that!" Clydesseus answered testily as Roe Boat rolled precariously over to the leeward side. The kitties rushed to the port side to compensate, and then threw up.
"Oh, yes, I guess you did." The dolphin replied, grimacing at the sight of the sick kitties.
"You know," Clydesseus said, getting an idea that he might trick the dolphin into helping him, "I heard that dolphins were pretty smart. But you seem rather ignorant. I guess the rumors aren't true after all." He turned his attention away from the creature.
"Huh?!" The dolphin replied, now insulted. "I am NOT ignorant!"
"Judging by your conversation..." Clydesseus muttered, switching his tail back and forth in feigned annoyance.
"I'm a smart dolphin, smart, smart, smart. Smarter than YOU!"
"Are too!" The dolphin retorted.
"AM too." Clydesseus corrected the creature's grammar.
"AM too... I AM too, you ARE too." Clydesseus cryptically explained.
"That's what I said!" Complained the dolphin.
"Yes, and it's wrong. You went to school, you should know that!" Clydesseus corrected again, seriously annoying the sea creature.
Desperate for a retort, as well as a change in the conversation, the dolphin remarked, "Hey, I'm not stupid enough to overload a boat like YOU did! What would you do if a storm came up? Tell me that, huh? What would you do, huh? Your silly boat would capsize and dump everything into the sea!"
"Oh, I guess you're right." Sighed Clydesseus, seeming to give in. "You ARE smarter than I am. I guess, well, I'll never get home to my kitten..." he looked away as if in sorrow, "... and he'll starve to death and..."
"No! No, no, no!" replied the dolphin, which was a compassionate, if redundant, creature.
"Oh yes, he'll die all right, and all because I am not even as smart as a fish, even a redundant one!" Clydesseus feigned self reproach.
"Hey, I am NOT a fish! I'm a mammal, so I can sympathize with your love of milk. And I can help you because I am a very smart mammal too! Smart, smart smart!"
"Oh, would you?!" Clydesseus spun around with the most pleading expression on his face. "Would you, would you, would you?", feigning redundancy.
"Sure I can! And, I even will! But only because I am so very smart. Smart, smart, smart. Let's see now..." It dove under the waves beneath the boat to inspect the bottom and then surfaced. "Your problem is that you don't have enough keel!" The creature then took an hour to explain the concept of 'center of gravity'. "We can fix that, my friends and I!" It finally finished.
"Really?" Clydesseus asked. Being an intelligent and well educated cat, he knew all along that he needed to fix the keel, but had no idea how he was going to do it. "How might you do that?"
"Why, we'll just get some barnacles and clams and oysters and clamp them to the bottom of the keel! They'll add enough weight to balance the boat again!"
"You would do that for me?" Grinned Clydesseus in his most obnoxiously ingratiating smile.
"No, not for you. You called me 'ignorant' and a 'fish', and worse, you corrected my grammar! But I'll do it for your kitten. Everybody likes kittens, although I must admit, I have never seen one. Anyway, why should he suffer because of you? I'll do it for him! But not for you! Not you, not you, not you."
"Seems fair. I am sure he'd be ever so grateful." Clydesseus fawned.
Poseidon himself was eavesdropping on this conversation, suspecting that Clydesseus was up to something.
When he realized what the dolphin had planned (a little shrimp explained it to him because he had flunked physics in god-school) he grew furious (he had a reputation for a nasty temper). He did not want the dolphins helping Clydesseus, so he intervened by raising a huge wave and hurtling it at poor Roe Boat to capsize it!
Although his aim was way off, and the wave did two things.
First, it knocked the dolphins, all of them, way out to sea where they eventually ended up along the Florida coast so they could not possibly help Clydesseus.
Second, far from capsizing Roe Boat as intended, it caught the ship in its powerful crest and "surfed" it, hurtling it very, very fast, far, far away in the opposite direction (redundancy is catching).
By the time the wave had exhausted of all its power, Roe Boat could no longer stay upright, and finally capsized, dumping the Big Royal Fridge into the sea, where, oddly enough, it landed on Poseidon's head, giving him a nasty bump.
Off in the distance, the Fates, who were watching this and being very amused, cackled with glee. They loved annoying the Gods. They liked it even better when mortals did it, and best when the Gods did it to themselves.
The Sea God roared so loudly that his voice created another wave, which righted the boat instantly, thus saving the kitties from falling overboard as they were sure to do when the boat was upside down, and carried it even further away.
By the time this terrible ordeal was over, Clydesseus and the very shaken and sick Meowing Kitties found themselves soaking wet, sailing without a porpoise, and heading straight for an island. The Island of the Cycle-Ops!
And Poseidon, who knew exactly who lived on that island, chuckled beneath the waves while rubbing the bump on his head."This is turning out better than I had planned."
He roared with laughter and forgot his pain.
Amusement can sometimes do that for you, even if you are a Sea God.
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