A Time Travel Clyde Mini-Epic!
THE IDIOCY AND THE ODDITY
(with apologies to Homer, the ancient Greek Gods and Heroes,
and lovers of great literature everywhere!)
--Part II --
The ODDITY: An Epic Adventure!
THE ISLAND OF THE CYCLE-OPS
The Cycle-Ops were the gigantic children of Poseidon who were forced by the other Olympian Gods to live on a remote island far from the normal shipping lanes. They were big, swarthy, unshaven and scruffy beings who operated (drove) one-wheeled motorcycles ("Monocycles") around, making noise, badgering motorists, and causing mayhem. They were notorious for their bad tempers.
Some of this is understandable because they were very frustrated. You see, you can't "pop a wheelie" on a one wheeled vehicle, and cyclists love to "pop wheelies", as in the famous phrase, "It takes two wheelies to handle a chopper."
Clydesseus and his band didn't know any of this at the time
they arrived on the island. To them, except for the gigantic Monocycle, the island looked harmless.
After landing on the beach and looking around, they spied a rough-and-tumble beach house in the distance. It wasn't in the best condition, needed a paint job or some nice vinyl siding; the windows were very dirty and the screen door was ripped.
But, their ordeal on the sea made the kitties very hungry, so they decided to go to the house in hopes of finding a snack. In Hissica, this was normal behavior, and no one considered it intrusive, since everybody was doing it. They thought that social behaviors were like that; as long as everyone's doing it, it must be okay. Besides, the door was open.
The house, which had looked normal to them was actually gigantic, and it was the perspective of distance that had fooled them into thinking it was a normal house. The kitties' eyes grew wide when they entered. The beach house was filled with gigantic beach toys!
In the absence of the owner, the Hissicans marveled at brightly painted objects; gigantic sand shovels and pails, and the most enormous beach ball they had ever seen! The band mewed in awe at the sight, and Clydesseus purred at the thought of mastering so powerful a weapon. They thought it was a puff-ball with a plastic coating. They could only imagine the catnip contained inside. Clydesseus began to form a plan. If he played his cards right, he could get home with more treasure than he had to begin with!
Since the owner of the beach ball was nowhere to be seen, Clydesseus ordered his band to roll the ball back to the ship. It never occurred to him that it was almost too big to fit on deck, but that's greed for you.
As they rolled the big ball, they noticed huge footprints in the sand. They were sure they hadn't made them, but they checked their paws just in case. Deciding that there must be a rather large someone-else in the vicinity, they hurried as they rolled the ball and muttered at the mystery of the giant footsteps. These have sometimes been called "Footsteps in the Sand".
The big beach ball blocked their view, so they did not see POLLYWALLYDOODLEDEDOO, the Cycle-Ops son of Poseidon, building a sand castle in the wave-tossed surf. He was getting very angry because with each wave, his castle collapsed. He wasn't very bright.
Pollywallydoodlededoo heard the sound of the beach ball rolling on the sand, and turned, exclaiming, "Duh?"
A sudden gust of wind blew the ball sideways, exposing Clydesseus and his band to the terrible giant's view. The cats dutifully went into the submissive posture, but Clydesseus, intoxicated with the prospect of potential wealth, mewed boldly.
This made no sense to the stupid giant, who threw sand at them. Maybe the giant wasn't so stupid, because the sand made the group feel dirty, so, instead of running away, they went into a fury of washing themselves. This made it easy for the giant to gather them all up, hurry back to the beach house and toss them into a conveniently placed white wicker clothes hamper, which he sat on to contain them.
From within the confined quarters, Clydesseus mewed out, "Oh powerful giant, for clearly you are, who are you?"
"Why, everyone knows me." The giant replied proudly. I am Pollywallydoodlededoo, the son of Poseidon, Great Sea God!"
"Oh, that old goat. Boy, has he ever got a temper!" Muttered Clydesseus.
"Hey, that's my Dad you're talking about! Don't diss my dad!" The giant bellowed.
"Oh, no of course not, I meant it in the nicest possible way! You know, " Clydesseus, the sly one, was trying to trick the giant, "we're great friends of your father's (the giant thought he heard a snicker coming from the hamper) and he would not like to know that you have treated us so badly. We are soft and purry and..."
"...very good to eat!" Shouted the giant as he spun 'round, grabbed AKITTIES, a member of the band, and threw him to his very snarly and nasty dog, POODLEDEDOO, which had just been groomed in a poodle cut and thought it looked so ridiculous that it was furious.
The dog was called Poodlededoo because it belonged to belonged to Pollywallydoodlededoo. They say dogs and their owners tend to look alike, and in this case, their names did too!
Akitties furiously raced around the dog, visualizing it to be a living puff-ball (since it looked like one anyway) and hissed and scratched and bit and chewed. But, as the Fates would have it, the dog was unharmed, and rendered harmless at the same time. For the Fates clouded Akitties' vision just enough for him to mistake a giant dust-bunny for the dog, and that was what he was attacking.
Pollywallydoodlededoo and Poodlededoo stood and stared in amazement at the scuffle, transfixed and unable to move. They'd never seen such fury over dust, not in that unkempt house! But Akitties continued his attack, and the breeze coming through the open screen door kept the dust bunny moving so that it actually did look alive. The giant and his dog were transfixed by the sight.
Ever-wily Clydesseus, seeing his chance, hissed his band to slyly escape. They crept out of the wicker basket (cats have claws, so they can climb), snuck out of the beach house by the back door and raced down the beach.
In the meantime, Akitties had cornered the giant dust bunny and spun himself behind it out of the giant's view. Because the breeze was still blowing, the dust bunny appeared to be still fighting the tiny cat, and the giant sat down to wager with his giant dog as to who would win the fight. They immediately got into an argument, ignoring everything but each other's harsh words.
This allowed Akitties to escape as Clydesseus and the Meowing Kitties had done, through the back door, and he was right behind them, running hard on their heels. That's where the expression, "Akitties heel" comes from. Altogether, they hurriedly rolled the giant beach ball down to the surf in hopes of getting it onto Roe Boat before the giant could catch them again.
The beach ball was awfully big and ungainly, so it took them a while to sort things out and get it on the deck of Roe Boat. They didn't want a repeat of the "Big Royal Fridge" disaster.
They were in a panic, for they could see Pollywallydoodlededoo and Poodlededoo racing down the beach after them. They knew the dog could swim. Poodlededoos are known to be very good swimmers. Just ask any breeder.
Again, the Fates intervened and a sudden gust of wind caught the beach ball and blew it, and Roe Boat, far out to sea, well ahead of the swimming giant dog.
Pollywallydoodlededoo stood on the shore and bellowed, "Wahhh, wahhh!"
Instantly, Poseidon, loving parent that he was, rose from the sea and shouted, "Be Quiet!"
"But they took my ball, they took my ball!" Sniffed the blubbering giant, pointing to the tiny boat sailing into the harvest-gold sunset.
"Oh, never mind! Daddy will get you another one." Chided the Sea God, who descended into the depths once more.
Poseidon was one to carry a grudge, and Clydesseus had really gotten himself on to his bad side with the theft of the beach ball and the inconvenience it would cause.
For, to silence the blubbering giant, who was keeping just about everyone awake with his wails, Poseidon had to go shopping, something he hated doing, especially since it meant spending money, and all Poseidon's gold was at the bottom of the sea because, as everyone knows, gold doesn't float..
Muttering curses on Clydesseus, Poseidon swam to the bottom of the sea and pried open his treasure chest (which came from all the ships that had sunk over the ages), took some coins (they hadn't invented credit cards yet), and then tramped over to the Mt. Olympus Galleria Mall and into "Really Big Toys 'R' Nice" to replace the ball. But, (you guessed it) as Fate would have it, they were out of stock.
Now, really, really angry, Poseidon went to the Council of the Gods and complained. After filling out twelve forms in triplicate and waiting a half an hour, he finally got an audience with the Messenger God, HURRIES, at the "Divine Courier" office. Poseidon told his tale while Hurries listened patiently (except his beeper kept going off). Finally, Hurries said, "So what do you want me to do about it? I'm only the messenger!"
Poseidon bellowed in rage, and Hurries, not one to fight with a potential client, offered, "Okay, here's the plan, we'll blow Roe Boat to the island of Cissy the Sorceress."
"They'll find it very inconvenient, I promise you!"
"Hmmm," mused Poseidon, "well, if that's the best you can do."
"Considering my schedule," replied Hurries as he read his beeper, "it will have to do. I really must fly. And, in the meantime, can you please silence that brat of yours!"
Poseidon sighed and returned to the sea. He was often a frustrated Sea God.
He finally got Pollywallydoodlededoo to go to sleep by reading to him from a computer manual that was trying to explain how to configure a 32X CD-ROM drive to a computer drive bay using only the impossible to read 8-bit dip switches inconveniently located under the bottom of the drive. The giant passed out from confusion.
So did Poseidon.
Sometimes, computer manuals are useful.
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